"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve." -- Bilbo Baggins from The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien

"Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you." -- Samuel Goldwyn

"It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." -- Mark Twain

"Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think." -- Ambrose Bierce

"Often it is fatal to live too long." -- Racine

And thus, next year.

"I have a Calculus hangover!" -- Lauren K.

"FBI recieved credble report that William Shatner may resume singing career; National Guard on alert." -- Fuckedworld

"I'm not a trendy asshole. Do what I want, do what I feel like. I'm not a trendy asshole. Don't give a fuck if it's good enough for you, 'cause I'm alive." -- The Offspring

"As soon as you're born, you start dying. So you might as well have a good time." -- Cake

"Beware the advice of successful people; they do not seek company." -- Scott Adams

"...Now I'm older and I feel like I could let some of this anger fade. But it seems the surface I am scratching is the bed that I have made" -- Staind

"homely criminals get 30% longer jail sentences than good-looking criminals." -- Emily Bell

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam." -- Henry Beard
(Translation: I have a catapault. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)

"i will lasso you up, kick you in the face, casually say "i reckon ya'll messed with the wrong partner....partner", then nudge the horses side with my stirrups, and gallop off into the sunset, with my 6-shooter firing loud and clear...." -- Spitblood

"HELP ME O GOD OF RANDOMNESS I NEED INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Kari Ryan

"do not be afraid! for then clarity is lost." -- Edwin Camber

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening

"Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women." -- Dave Barry

"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe." -- Albert Einstein

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." -- Groucho Marx

"Without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus." -- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

"... all that and a spoonfull of sugar. Fuck you, it helps the medicine go down..." -- Jeff Minter

"'Ford,' he said, 'you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.'" -- Arthur Dent from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

"With malice towards none and lizards for all." -- Sobe Bottle Cap

"I want the world to be a more beautiful place, and I'm going to start with your toilet paper." -- Harrumph

"'Supercalafrajalisticexpialadocious' has been in my search engine referral logs a few times recently. You should know that you will find nothing of the sort here. Nothing at all. Shoo. Go away. Scram.
[supercalafrajalisticexpialadocious, supercalafrajalisticexpialadocious]" -- jish.nu

"Bin Laden: 'That's right, you love to hate me. But you know, if I wasn't around you'd still be talking about that Condit mother*bleep*...come on bitches bring it on!' " -- Entropynet

"We can't afford to be neutral on a moving train." -- System of a Down

"Everything left's been done before
Nothing's new, nowhere to explore" -- Insane Clown Posse, Nothing's Left

"<Martha Stewart voice>nothing quite says greiving for terrorist acts like making American flag sugar cookies</Martha Stewart Voice>" -- Ernie Hsiung

"Open your eyes, open your mouth, close your hands and make a fist." -- System of a Down

"how lost we are in a world we call our own." -- foolmaker