"homely criminals get 30% longer jail sentences than good-looking criminals." -- Emily Bell

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam." -- Henry Beard
(Translation: I have a catapault. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.)

"i will lasso you up, kick you in the face, casually say "i reckon ya'll messed with the wrong partner....partner", then nudge the horses side with my stirrups, and gallop off into the sunset, with my 6-shooter firing loud and clear...." -- Spitblood

"HELP ME O GOD OF RANDOMNESS I NEED INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Kari Ryan

"do not be afraid! for then clarity is lost." -- Edwin Camber

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra. Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come." -- Matt Groening

"Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women." -- Dave Barry

"There are only two truly infinite things, the universe and stupidity. And I am unsure about the universe." -- Albert Einstein

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." -- Groucho Marx

"Without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus." -- Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

"... all that and a spoonfull of sugar. Fuck you, it helps the medicine go down..." -- Jeff Minter